Experiencing the Joys of Expansion Pack
by Norvegica
Summary: The Necromancer just doesn't get any respect. Jilted by Amazon, pitied by Sorceress, he is sure to never have a girlfriend. But wait! Here comes the Expansion Pack! One-shot


Necromancer felt his Character Folder tremble. Today was the day. The big day, which the All Encompassing System notified them and prepared them for. The day that the all vaunted Expansion Pack was installed by the All Mighty User. Necromancer poked his head out of his Character Folder and observed as the System added new Folders into their Diablo II Main Folder. He could see Barbarian also watching. He had jumped out of his Folder and was playing a game, dodging Folders as they appeared where he was standing. Necromancer shook his head. How foolish. At least if there was a System Error, it would be Barbarian's fault. Ha.   
Most of the System's job was nearly done. One Folder, one very special Folder, was complete. Necromancer and Barbarian, being the first ones out of their Character Folders, ran forward to open and see what was inside. Paladin, Soceress, and Amazon could be seen approaching the Folder also.   
"Wow."   
Yes. Wow. This time, Barbarian's laconic speech was all that was needed. He reverently examined the new Class Specific Items. He gleefully admired the new Primal Helms, just for him.   
"This is better than I expected," Paladin exclaimed.   
The shiny surface of a Targe was etched with beautiful tracery.   
"What about you, Sorceress? What did the Expansion Pack bring you?"   
She frowned.   
"I like this," she held up a Jared's Stone, "But these look like... lollipops."   
She pointed at some Orbs. Everyone laughed. Amazon was happily testing the heft of some Maiden Spears. Suddenly, everyone stopped when they heard a loud squish. Necromancer was smiling.   
"Urrghh. What is that?"   
"A Head. This is most amusing."   
Squick. Squish. Squick.   
"Eww! How revolting!"   
Amazon had her nose wrinkled. Paladin moved forward and put his arm about her waist.   
"Don't mind him. He's just disgusting like that."   
Necromancer scowled and turned his back on the group, after making another Shrunken Head go squick one more time. Barbarian didn't really mind the noise. But there was nothing else to do.   
"I'm going back."   
He leaped out of the Folder. Sorceress waited until Paladin and Amazon left.   
"Are you okay?"   
A snort. Necromancer did not turn around.   
"NO."   
"Why?"   
"Because obviously everybody in the Main Folder will know that I... I lost! Lost to that stupid Paladin!"   
"It will be okay..."   
"No it won't. She chose him over me! I am implacably upset now. Go away. And take your sympathy with you."   
"Are you sure?"   
"Yes. Go frolic with Barbarian. Go kiss and hug and all those mushy things that I am obviously too disgusting and gross to take part in!"   
He didn't move until he could hear Sorceress leaving the Folder. He was staring at the very interesting looking bladed weapons in the folder. Hm... What Class did they belong to? 

  
When he returned to his Character Folder, he was in a dark mood. He was right. News had spread, and he had to endure the annoying chatter from the Fallen. They grinned at him and made obscene gestures with their hands, mocking his inability to have a meaningful relationship with a woman. He chose to ignore the fact that they always did that to everybody they saw walking past the Monster Folder. He never got any respect from anybody. Well, maybe Sorceress, but that was only because he was also Mage Class. A Skeleton rattled forward and offered his Master a glass of warm milk. Necromancer sighed and accepted the milk. As he sipped the milk, he noticed that he had Mail. 

To: All Folder Occupants 

From: All Encompassing System 

Subject: Expansion Pack 

It has come to My attention that the All Mighty User will not be granting denizens of The Games with His presence. Due to the inscrutable thing called The Midterms, the User has cut down His allotted Gaming Time. Everybody, have a nice vacation. But to the point. Due to the arrival of the Expansion Pack, I want full integration of all new features. Meaning a Meet the Newcomer Party. Effective 3:00 PM Est Time. 

Necromancer was not in a mood for a party. Especially a party where he would be seen by everybody and where he could see Paladin and Amazon together. He checked his other Mail. 

To: Necromancer 

From: 

Subject: 

Attachment: Backstory.doc 

Necromancer glared suspiciously at the Mail. Perhaps it was another one of Diablo's pranks. Being Lord of Terror and confined in the Prime Evils Folder until called upon by the Game did give one a lot of down time. Diablo was addicted to sending virulent chain letters to everybody. As he was the Lord of Terror, it pleased him to know that everybody opened Mail with trepidation. Necromancer opened the attachment. It was a plain Backstory.doc, a Read Only file. As he read it, it became clear that he was getting inside information on one of the new Character Classes. The Assassin, in particular. Fascinating. Mage Killers. Perhaps it was sent by Sorceress. She would be considerate enough to give him warning. Dueling with this Character must be a chore. And judging from the read, this Character would be as annoying and as self-righteous as Paladin. And the Skill Tree looked formidable too. Joy. As he continued to read, the text changed. 

_Hello, Necromancer. I am a Newcomer to the System._

Great. Being challenged to a duel already. 

_I took some time to go through Backup Files. You intrigue me._

At least the Assassin was polite about it. Maybe he would duel with this Character after all. 

_It has come to my attention that you are the only male Character that goes around in the beginning of the Game baring your chest. Local gossip says that you are also single. I cannot imagine why. You have a lovely chest. Pale, but with definition. I constantly think about your torso now._

Necromancer nearly spilled his drink at the next sentence. 

_I want to do naughty things to your nipples. I want you spread out on a table slathered with honey and I want to lick it off of you. Pixel by pixel. Would you like that?_

"That's it, Diablo. You are so going down for this. Go bug other Lonely Male Characters. This is not funny!" 

_Contrary to what you are thinking, this is not a joke. Sorceress has warned me of your suspicious ways. I like that in a man. I want to meet you. _

Actually. I can't wait. I'm in your Folder right now. Assassins are masters of infiltration after all. Say yes, and you won't regret it. 

Yours if you want me,   
Assassin 

Necromancer looked up in alarm, but could not see anybody. A pair of hands closed over his eyes and a soft voice chuckled.   
"Cloak of Shadows, dear. I thought you read my Skill Tree?"   
Necromancer tensed.   
"Nervous? You should be. But I didn't hear your answer. Yes or no?" 

Meanwhile, in the Prime Evils Folder, Mephisto was bored. He hovered, tentacles crossed as Diablo gazed distractedly into a mirror.   
"How much Folder capacity do you think he will take up?"   
"I don't know. Look, your horns aren't bent."   
"I'm not sure. Last time Barbarian got to me, he did a number with his Double Swing."   
Diablo turned his head.   
"I swear, one of them is crooked!"   
"So?"   
"I can't meet our Brother looking like this!"   
"Yes. Because we all know who got the good looks in the family."   
"Shaddup. So what if you have multiple limbs. I got the tail."   
"A lot of good it's doing you."   
"Just give me your opinion okay? Red skin or gold skin?"   
"You are asking me about color scheme?"   
"Right. Not the gold skin. Too gaudy."   
"Methinks you are primping more than any sane monster should just to meet one's Brother."   
Mephisto bobbed up and down in mirth.   
"I know... It's Andariel isn't it? You want to get on her good graces again."   
"So what if I am?"   
"You are so juvenile. She won't even think about accepting you."   
"Says the Bachelor of the Centuries."   
"Go shine your scales or something. And work on your conversation. 'Nice nipple clamps.' Really. That was so charming of you."   
"If you don't shut your mouth I swear-"   
"Or what?" 

Sorceress edged around a strangely singed and sulky Mephisto towards the refreshment table. There, she found Charsi fanning herself with a folded napkin, Fara looking quite flushed, and a pack of giggly Rogues.   
"Hello, Sorceress! Did you finally force him into a make over?" called out Annor.   
Sorceress helped herself to some punch.   
"I don't have any idea what you are talking about."   
"No? Look, woman, look! Isn't he just dishy today?" Elly squealed.   
Sorceress turned her head and her jaw dropped open. Instead of his usual skeletal gray and black armor, which was stylistically striking in her opinion, her friend was wearing his black open vest. Without the surcoat that went with the armor to cover him up, it was also revealed that he had a rear to die for in black pants.   
"That's a whole lotta man, eh, Sorceress?" Charsi murmured.   
"Yes. He does look different," Sorceress admitted, "But he never goes around looking like that. Why the change?"   
"Does it matter? Oooh, he's turning around! He's turning around!" 

Necromancer warily looked up as Andariel stomped over to him. She crouched down with a fluidity that would cause a pole dancer envy and craned her neck forward to scrutinize him.   
"You look different, White Skinny Maggot."   
"My name is Necromancer, Andariel. Get it right."   
She sniffed imperiously.   
"One can't expect to know everybody when confined in the Lesser Evils Folder. Besides, Duriel is such a bore. I tire of his conversation. Or what passes for it."   
"Insipid grins and head bobs not your idea of a conversation?"   
"I should say not. In fact, if you are ever bored... Why don't you come up and see me some time?"   
Necromancer's face took on a quizzical expression.   
"Wait a minute. Are you hitting on me?"   
Andariel shrugged and the chains on her nipple clamps jangled.   
"You are hitting on me. How bizarre. I am going to slowly back away now. Have a good day."   
Andariel sighed. How unfair. She did so want to see how the view looked from behind. 

Diablo was at a slow boil. She hit on Necromancer. Why in the User's Name did she hit on that skinny little shrimp of a Character Class? Why? And Mephisto was snickering again. Today was just not his day. And wasn't he Lord of Terror? She could've hit on Barbarian, which would have been at least understandable. But Necromancer? Diablo brooded as he crunched on a hors d'oeuvre the size of a small car. Next time he met up with Necromancer, he was going to be sure to deep fry his pixels. Or at least only drop white text items. 

Necromancer was not expecting the reception he was getting at all. He didn't want to risk running late to the party and had to arrive without his armor. Time just flew with Assassin distracting him, and he really wasn't going to complain. But why had Andariel hit on him, why were the Rogues giggling, and why, oh why, was he being swarmed by Succubi? They would not leave him alone, buffeting him with their wings or shrilly whistling every time he walked by. Barbarian provided some reprieve when he walked up and with one hand forcibly shoved them toward the opposite end of the room.   
"Thanks. Those will be nuisance come Act V, huh?"   
"Yes. Do you need to be healed?"   
"Why? They didn't do too much damage."   
Barbarian shook his head and pointed.   
"There is a mark on your neck. Did a vampire attack you?"   
"What? Oh! No... No, I don't need it to be healed."   
Barbarian smiled understandingly and laughed. Necromancer, flustered, brushed his hair over his shoulder to hide the hickey. Sorceress walked over and took Barbarian's hand.   
"You look nice today, friend."   
"Really? I was running late, I thought I looked a mess."   
Sorceress smirked.   
"Not everyone thinks that." 

The System gave an authoritative beep and everyone looked up.   
"It is My great pleasure to present to you the two New Character Classes. Assassin and Druid. Welcome."   
At the sight of Druid, the Rogues began to whisper excitedly.   
"A red head. I like red heads," Fara purred.   
The Assassin, meanwhile, politely cut short her conversation with the Amazon.   
"I'm sorry. But I see my man on the other side of the room. Nice meeting you."   
Amazon and Paladin looked on in disbelief as Assassin moved through the crowd on an inexorable path toward Necromancer. He smiled as she reached him and wrapped herself in his arms.   
"How odd."   
"I agree."   
"Come on you two. You don't really expect him to be brooding over losing Amazon for very long, do you?" asked Sorceress.   
Amazon shrugged.   
"If he is happy, then he is happy," Paladin said.   
He winced when a hand from Assassin reached down and pinched Necromancer's butt.   
"But they really should not display that in public." 

"Everybody is staring at us," Necromancer muttered.   
"Hmm. This party wears on my nerves. I can think of more congenial pursuits."   
Necromancer grinned in reply.   
"My Folder or yours?" 


End file.
